When do our wants become our needs?

I have noticed in lots of different conversations – in the therapy room and in life outside of it -  the framing of our desires as needs.  

I’ve been thinking deeply about it and wonder if the shift from “I want” to “I need” is reflecting deeper struggles we are having with feeling heard, respected, or even valued. I’ve spoken to people who think talking about their wants is too idealistic or selfish – they’ve decided that their wants will never be realised or that wanting something is just not enough of a reason to take action; or to expect others to.

So when those wants become needs, they take on a new weight, signaling something more urgent, non-negotiable. I’ve noticed this tension between want and need shape the dynamics of our relationships, and the way we communicate and connect with others.

I wonder if what I hear is an escalation towards ‘needs’ because we feel our wants can be so easily dismissed. Like we think that talking about what we want to happen is not as valid or serious as talking about what we need to happen. I also wonder to what degree converting a want into a need makes us feel like we or the person on the other end ‘has’ to comply – no matter how unrealistic or unsustainable it is.

“I need you to respond to my messages in the same day.” Is receiving a swift response to messages the actual need? Or is it that we want the reassurance and feeling of being connected that regular communication brings us? What would it take for us to find that reassurance without demanding behaviour changes from other people?

“I need to go and visit my parents/siblings more.” Is the actual need more time with our family? Or is it that we want better and deeper relationships with our family than we have?  What would it take mean to accept our relationship with our family for what it is and go from there?

“I need you to stop liking that person’s posts on Instagram.” Is the need that our romantic partner doesn’t engage with other people on social media? Or is it that we want to know/believe that our partner is fully committed to us? What would it take to accept that our partner might be drawn to someone else and that try as we might, we can’t stop that from being the case.

The latter example makes me think about what the difference between a demand and a request is.

The demand is one that seeks to exert control over the future; over the millions of possible outcomes that could come from a day; over our knowledge that we are in a relationship with another human being who has their own agency and who might decide to do something that will hurt us.

In my experience, demands have a greater potential to harm relationships because they seek to solve one person’s discomfort at the expense of another person’s freedom.  Whereas requests open up the opportunity for better communication and a chance to get underneath how someone else is making us feel.

A demand comes with one acceptable response – compliance.

“Stop doing this, start doing that.”

Or else. That’s my demand, that’s my ‘need’.

A request opens up a dialogue that might let us attend to something that has come up together.

“This thing that is happening is making me feel uneasy, how possible would it be to…”

“I’ve been thinking and I wanted to ask - instead of doing X, would you be up for talking about what other options there are?”

Our lives don’t exist in a vacuum, however, with the current political climate contributing to our feelings of being unheard.

A report by the American Psychological Association found that political discourse and stress have become significant contributors to mental health challenges. With more than 40% of Americans citing politics as a source of stress, it’s no surprise that people might frame their desires as "needs" when the polarised political environment makes them feel dismissed or undervalued. This isn't just an individual issue; the broader political landscape reinforces this feeling.

Similarly, in the UK, trust in government has hit record lows during the 2019-2024 Parliament. Economic instability, Brexit, and mishandling of crises have led to 45% of us expressing that we "almost never" trust the government, which suggests pretty widespread frustration and disillusionment in our lives. This context magnifies how we may shift from articulating wants to needs as a means to regain control or feel heard in a political context where we feel otherwise powerless.

What would it be like if we decided that what we want deserves to be taken just as seriously as what we need? To dare to sit in the space where we ask someone to hold the feelings that we are having, instead of demand they change so we don’t have to confront our feelings?

I think it is possible that honouring our wants with the same seriousness as our needs could lead to healthier, more authentic communication. Our wants are where our individuality and desires are; and they can be valid on their own without needing to become demands.

By recognising the difference between a want and a need, we could discover ways to connect with others without making them responsible for meeting all our needs, and without overextending ourselves to meet theirs. Instead of framing everything as a ‘need,’ perhaps we can start to create space for mutual understanding and more meaningful dialogue.

It can be less comfortable to sit with what we want. In my experience, that’s usually where the growth is. By stepping into the discomfort of expressing what we truly want, we allow ourselves and our relationships room to grow, free from the pressure of unmet demands.